Yesterday was so frustrating. Friends who follow me on Twitter know that I did an unexpected overtime at work yesterday. I was so hungry and after calling at least 4 stores, Bon Chon was open and still delivered food. Despite the anger of having to wait until closing to finish up with work and leave, I’d say my stomach was rather satisfied eating Beef Bulgogi and singing alternative rock songs while killing time in the office. There’s a lot one can be made to think about when they are left to their own devices. February just started. A lot of things happened in January. I have had my photo taken 3 times for 3 different government IDs – you know, the ones where they say, “Ma’am, don’t show your teeth. Please don’t smile.” I realized after getting the photos taken that I look more like a zombie than a person instead. I also do not really know how to smile. That… and that I have a really cool double chin face! Haha. If anything could be said about my experiences for the last month, nothing short of fruitful could describe it. Aside from the obvious reason that I have just processed government IDs (passport included, woohoo!), I also enrolled myself to a full contact kickboxing class. The experience, so far, is full of pain and laughter and meeting new people every single class. Work is doing well, despite the boredom. Nothing majorly terrible has happened yet and I am getting bored, as usual.
A person that’s cherophobic might feel guilty about feeling happy (think they don’t deserve to be happy) and soon after become depressed or they might avoid happiness and things that might make them happy in fear of something bad happening afterwards.
The fear then of happiness is creeping in – the feeling that maybe this streak of good things is just a preparation for one horrible news. It’s fairly common for people to feel this way, apparently. We often feel that whenever we get too happy, laugh a lot at work or in school, we might get scolded when we come home or we get such terrible news about a loved one soon after. This mentality is different for every one of us, however. For me, it’s largely because I have known grey for the most part of my life and now that I see rainbows wherever I go, I get puzzled and do not know how to handle it. This feeling of constant happiness is driving me anxious that maybe something ominous is lurking in the background. It’s a feeling I can’t shake off so easily but I still wake up with a smile every day. I still am thankful for all the great things I never knew would come in my life. Happiness is a choice. It takes strength for one to admit that they are happy. It takes courage for a struggling person to still say, “I’m happy I am alive.” And that is the beauty of happiness, for me. There was once a time when I was afraid to be happy because I knew then that happiness, like everything else, ends. I still think everything has an end, but the difference is that now, I am no longer afraid to embrace the feeling. I am happy even when I am angry, even when I am sad, and even in the midst of sorrow and despair. I am happy simply because this time, I am brave enough to deal with the rainbow while missing my clouds of grey.